Someone decided to get herself checked. I am definitely afraid of doctors and getting assessed of what sickness I have but I had to have confirmation. (Am I excusing my uselessness with mental illnesses or am I really deranged?) Our class had to perform a dance and nothing scares me more than dancing.  Occasionally, I feel like I failed everyone every time we practiced and I hated myself every time I had to complain for not getting it and for troubling people to ask help from them. What I thought would only be a confession of how I hate dancing and how Political Science was shredding me to bits became a whole lot bigger. Why? Because it stems down to my horrible childhood. Developing a child while showering them with derogatory words such as "Useless, bogo jud, way ayo, polpol" can be damaging throughout the child's whole life. Those words were the automatic pop-up in my brain whenever I have to do something literally anything. Having to compromise my childhood and do lots of big decisions as a child in order to survive was brave but horrible. School never became a priority because I had to think about what to feed my siblings, what to do in order to gain money from my neighbors, how to cope from trauma over my relatives,  how to become a bigger person when you are neglected. Technically, things are way better now except that I'm still left with reminders and stains that run deep in my mind then together became a list of mental illnesses I don't wanna confess I have because the tendency is, people will assume it is an excuse or that it would be a means for them to pity you. 

I have manic depression or what they call now as bipolar and also a severe generalized anxiety disorder. Some days, I want to eat my heart out and smile about everything. I laugh about simple things and get looks on why I randomly laugh and smile. Am I crazy or just too happy? It felt like I was eating a poisonous pill imprisoning me to an endless torture of laughter. I get too ecstatic that I feel like I could do everything and make very impulsive decisions that put my life into danger or into deep course of stupidity. It starts with small things like cutting my hair randomly thrice a week or spending too much or eating too much only to starve myself critically after a few days. During these days, I get very nauseous and excited and nervous to almost anything that it always ends up as panic attacks. Sometimes, it gets so hard that I have to skip classes because either a) I passed out or fainted on my way to school b) my insides and body can't stop on shaking as if I'm having a seizure when I don't even have epilepsy.


After, I realize my mistakes comes what is commonly known as depression. This was a long session that was frequently present in my life and every time it comes, I still get startled by it. My room becomes a mess and I don't want to brush my teeth, eat my meals, talk to someone, get up from my bed, take a bath, wash my clothes for weeks or even months. I would just wish I would disappear by not doing anything essentially you have to do for your life. 

My bipolar support group was quite helpful somehow. I get to learn that lots of people feel this and that. Some are in deeper troubles but fight back the most which inspires me to keep moving forward. I'm not as smooth as I was at hiding anymore but I also learned that opening up to the right people helps. I'm in a better environment and I love it, the one thing that lacks is that I need to stop pressuring myself. I need to stop thinking what everybody else thinks because they have no idea how much steps I have to do just to become alright and face the day. I salute everyone who suffers mental illnesses and still moves forward. It's one of the most hardest thing to deal with and the most hardest thing for anyone else to understand. 

Pirteng gamaya sa akong kamot

Murag sa bata nga sa ka hamis

Walay kahagong kum-ot

Dise syeteng way buot

Pirteng gamaya nga di ka daog

Pirmeng guniton ig saka kanaog

Kamot nga way nahibaw-an

Nga sa relasyon nay kamatuoran

                                                                Pirteng gamaya nga lisod guniton

Sa taong sig agwantas utok pirteng kagubot

Nga ikadugayang di likayan nga makalimot

sa tag-iyang nangusog ug kupot

Pirteng gamaya nga dili ka pugong

sa taong napuno na

Pirteng gamaya nga dili ka pugong

sa taong kahawaon na

His world turns like the pace of a rabbit

Like a curious little Alice, she pursued

They ran quicker than the long hand

Slaughtered each other's jabberwocky

and painted the paper town red

nnr